Trying to help...

Eight years ago, one of my most beloved friends committed suicide.  It broke my heart.  I was inconsolable.  Still today, I am heart broken over the loss of such an amazing, sensitive, soul.  This September, I am walking to raise money for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.  I, have personally struggled with and survived years of depression and a two suicide attempts.  Please, dig deep, any amount helps...

Click to Donate here

I hope you've found peace my dear friend...

Arlen Barr

Happy Fourth of July!

A Mirror with no Reflection

Most people don't know that I am a twin, was a twin.  My sister died in utero, during the 2nd trimester. Her death caused all sorts of complications for my mother, in the end resulting with my birth via cesarean section.

Lately, I've been really wondering how and if her death effected me in even the slightest way, and if a lot of the strange phantom emptiness is caused by that.

Starting early, I was a weird kid.  Off, slightly gregarious, slightly shy.  Very easily picked on, and always felt a little like something was missing.  I embraced my darkness, and it drive my mother insane.    I loved ghosts, monsters, death was so interesting to me.  I would hide in my closet or under my bed hoping that the monsters that other kids talked about would come out and play with me.  I wasn't afraid of them, I just assumed they were different like me, and just needed a friend that understood them.  I was picked on mercilessly all through elementary school and high school.  By the time college rolled around I just had accepted my solitude and while I had friends, they were from the land of misfit toys as well.

My mother didn't confess to me that I had been a twin until my 20's.  She didn't want me to feel I had lost something, yet, I already felt like that.  I had been feeling like that since I could remember.  I thought I was kind of crazy in thinking that a loss that happened so long ago and in utero could effect my personality and soul so much.

So I have decided to learn more about what it all means.  Did that loss make me a little more left of center than I normally would have been?  Has it effected me so deeply that I'm feeling all sorts of strange feelings and emptiness that I never would have felt if she had been born?

I'm on a quest...